Living How To Have an Effective Marriage

Send questions to norm@revealfellowship.com and ask for a digital copy of the notesLearning How To HaveAn Effective MarriageBy Dr. Norman Wise Learning How To Have �An Effective MarriageHonor Marriage �4 Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. �Hebrews 13:4 NASB] Outline of An Effective Marriage� Foundation of Effective Marriage � The Three “Golden Processes” The Gospel & Marriage Foundation Sanity � Stability� Spirituality Sanity Discover Reality Face The Facts � Adapt To What The Facts Are Stability �Remaining in reality regardless of the insanity surrounding us. Spirituality �31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. [Eph 4:31-32 NASB] Key IdeaMy sanity, stability, and spirituality does not depend upon or come from my spouse. Marriage Is Sacred �The purpose of Marriage is mainly aimed at making us more like Christ than simply giving us pleasure � Marriage matures us in the meaning of true love Recommended Book – Sacred Marriage by Gary ThomasMarriage Is The Gospel Questions? Three Golden Processes� Fighting rejected for Conflict Resolution � Friendship developed in Conversations Fun experienced in life long dating Conflict Resolution�Time out instead of Time Bomb Summary of Time Out�Stop When Elevated �Take a breath and say a prayer�Observe the situation objectively and in writing �-Define thinking Emotions�Solutions �Plan a time to talk Notes Time Out In Detail�“The Time-Out Process Who? Time outs are helpful to use in relationships that you want to maintain. You would not use this procedure with strangers or with others with whom you have not already discussed the process. When? Either partner can call a time out if a discussion/argument is starting to feel out of control. Most people cannot think clearly when angry, so postponing the discussion until both people are calmer is helpful. ** VERY IMPORTANT: Discuss the use of this procedure at a calm time. Key points to discuss: 1. Choose a mutually agreed-upon signal for the use of time out. Note: It is best to have both a verbal and nonverbal (hand signal) way of communicating the need to take a time out 2. Both agree that the partner will not follow the person who is taking the time out. 3. When someone calls a time out, end the discussion immediately. Trying to get in the last word is not helpful. 4. When you choose to take a time out, you need to tell the other person a. What you are going to do b. Where you are going (e.g., next room, for a drive, to a friend's house) c. When you will return (certain number of minutes/hours) Example: “I’m going to Wal-Mart to cool off, and I’ll be back in an hour.” While taking the time out: It is not helpful to obsess about how angry you feel at the other person during this time. Rather, it's a time to cool down so the discussion later can be more productive. Thinking about options for how to solve the problem can be helpful. You can consider what to do to improve the situation and make things work for both partners. Upon returning to discuss:1. The person who initiated the time out approaches his/her partner in a kind, gentle manner. 2. Each person presents his/her solution to the problem, and the other person listens without interrupting. 3. Both people focus on what aspects of the solution will work (rather than focusing on what won't work). 4. Together, choose parts of both solutions that will satisfy both parties. Pointers for the discussion:• Do Be flexible. • Listen carefully. • Be open to compromise. • Use I statements. • Don’t Focus on "all-or-none" solutions. • Be rigid in only being open to your solution • (e.g., “my way or the highway”). • Criticize the other person for his/her ideas. ”"People with deep and lasting friendships may be introverts, extroverts, young, old, dull, intelligent, homely, good-looking, but the one characteristic they all have in common is openness." Alan Loy McGinnisNotes Peace Table Weekly� Talk about important issues without interrupting Find out what you both need� List ways to solve the problem� Choose the idea you both like the bestDeal With The BaggageFoundation SanityStability�SpiritualityQuestions?Notes Friendship Development Daily ConversationTopics� Good� Bad� Ugly� DreamsBe Open"People with deep and lasting friendships may be introverts, extroverts, young, old, dull, intelligent, homely, good-looking, but the one characteristic they all have in common is openness."Alan Loy McGinnisThree Aspects� Shared Communication Shared Commitments Shared CommunionQuestions?�Notes Fun Dating� A Weekly Commitment A Planned Event Focus on FunCreative & Unique� Make a list of possible dates Be spontaneously planning� Have dates that range from free to expensive Have both people choose dates� Husband the leader in the weekly dateMake A PlanDating Fun For Couples by Vern JensonLittle Book Of Great Dates by Greg & Erin SmalleyWhat About Sex?� We will have sex when all our problems are resolved We will have sex and not be working on our problems Sex is our problemHealthy & Holy SexIt an expression of unconditional love and commitment to the marriageDon’t Hurry But Hug – Slow & Sweet�Seek the other person’s pleasure�Respect the other person’s principles�Sex is not love but an expression of love only in marriageLearning How Intended for Pleasure by Edward WheatQuestions? Marriage Is The Gospel!31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. [Eph 4:31-32 NASB]7 Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory. [Rom 15:7 NLT] My Two Books� Sane Relationships by Dr. Norman WiseLearning to Love in 27 days by Dr. Norman WiseNeed Church?� – First Church West meets at 11:00 AM tomorrow We Need Donations – Thank you

Posted by Norman Wise on Saturday, April 11, 2020

Get notes by e-mailing me at norm@revelfellowship.com

Learning How To Have

An Effective Marriage

By

Dr. Norman Wise

Learning How To Have An Effective Marriage

Honor Marriage

4 Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. Hebrews 13:4 NASB]

Outline of An Effective Marriage


  • Foundation of Effective Marriage
  • The Three “Golden Processes”
  • The Gospel & Marriage

Foundation  

  • Sanity
  • Stability

  • Spirituality

Sanity


Text Box: NotesDiscover Reality

  • Face The Facts
  • Adapt To What The Facts Are

Stability

Remaining in reality regardless of the insanity surrounding us.

Spirituality

31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. [Eph 4:31-32 NASB]

Key Idea

My sanity, stability, and spirituality does not depend upon or come from my spouse.

Marriage Is Sacred

The purpose of Marriage is mainly aimed at making us more like Christ than simply giving us pleasure

Marriage matures us in the meaning of true love

Recommended Book –  Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas

Marriage Is The Gospel

Questions?

Three Golden Processes


  • Fighting rejected for Conflict Resolution
  • Friendship developed in Conversations
  • Fun experienced in life long dating

Conflict Resolution


Time out instead of Time Bomb

Summary of Time Out


Stop When Elevated

Take a breath and say a prayer


Observe the situation objectively and in writing

Define thinking

Emotions


Solutions

Plan a time to talk

Notes

Time Out In Detail


“The Time-Out Process

Who? Time outs are helpful to use in relationships that you want to maintain. You would not use this procedure with strangers or with others with whom you have not already discussed the process.

When? Either partner can call a time out if a discussion/argument is starting to feel out of control. Most people cannot think clearly when angry, so postponing the discussion until both people are calmer is helpful.

** VERY IMPORTANT: Discuss the use of this procedure at a calm time.

Key points to discuss:

1. Choose a mutually agreed-upon signal for the use of time out.

Note: It is best to have both a verbal and nonverbal (hand signal) way of communicating the need to take a time out

2. Both agree that the partner will not follow the person who is taking the time out.

3. When someone calls a time out, end the discussion immediately. Trying to get in the last word is not helpful.

4. When you choose to take a time out, you need to tell the other person

a. What you are going to do

b. Where you are going (e.g., next room, for a drive, to a friend’s house)

c. When you will return (certain number of minutes/hours)

 Example: “I’m going to Wal-Mart to cool off, and I’ll be back in an hour.”

While taking the time out:

It is not helpful to obsess about how angry you feel at the other person during this time.

Rather, it’s a time to cool down so the discussion later can be more productive. Thinking about options for how to solve the problem can be helpful. You can consider what to do to improve the situation and make things work for both partners. 

Upon returning to discuss:

1. The person who initiated the time out approaches his/her partner in a kind, gentle manner.

2. Each person presents his/her solution to the problem, and the other person listens without  interrupting.

3. Both people focus on what aspects of the solution will work (rather than focusing on what won’t work).

4. Together, choose parts of both solutions that will satisfy both parties.

Pointers for the discussion:

  • Do Be flexible.
  • Listen carefully.
  • Be open to compromise.
  • Use I statements.
  • Don’t Focus on “all-or-none” solutions.
  • Be rigid in only being open to your solution
  • (e.g., “my way or the highway”).
  • Criticize the other person for his/her ideas.[1]

“People with deep and lasting friendships may be introverts, extroverts, young, old, dull, intelligent, homely, good-looking, but the one characteristic they all have in common is openness.” Alan Loy McGinnis

Notes

Peace Table Weekly


  • Talk about important issues without interrupting
  • Find out what you both need

  • List ways to solve the problem

  • Choose the idea you both like the best

Deal With The Baggage

Foundation

Sanity

Stability


Spirituality

Questions?

Notes

Friendship Development

Daily Conversation

Topics


  • Good

  • Bad

  • Ugly

  • Dreams

Be Open

“People with deep and lasting friendships may be introverts, extroverts, young, old, dull, intelligent, homely, good-looking, but the one characteristic they all have in common is openness.”

Alan Loy McGinnis

Three Aspects


  • Shared Communication
  • Shared Commitments
  • Shared Communion

Questions?


Notes

Fun Dating


  1. A Weekly Commitment
  2. A Planned Event
  3. Focus on Fun

Creative & Unique


  • Make a list of possible dates
  • Be spontaneously planning

  • Have dates that range from free to expensive
  • Have both people choose dates

  • Husband the leader in the weekly date

Make A Plan

Dating Fun For Couples by Vern Jenson

Little Book Of Great Dates by Greg & Erin Smalley

What About Sex?


  • We will have sex when all our problems are resolved
  • We will have sex and not be working on our problems
  • Sex is our problem

Healthy & Holy Sex

It an expression of unconditional love and commitment to the marriage

Don’t Hurry But Hug – Slow & Sweet


Seek the other person’s pleasure


Respect the other person’s principles


Sex is not love but an expression of love only in marriage

Learning How

Intended for Pleasure by Edward Wheat

Questions?
Marriage Is The Gospel!

31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. [Eph 4:31-32 NASB]

7 Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory. [Rom 15:7 NLT]

My Two Books


Sane Relationships by Dr. Norman Wise

Learning to Love in 27 days by Dr. Norman Wisee

 We Need Donations – Thank you


[1] http://www.ouhsc.edu/Safeprogram/HandOut-Q.pdf