Dealing with Infidelity
By Dr. Norman Wise
“Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” (Hebrews 13:4)
Tom Smith, the highly respected academic survey researcher, has this to say about extramarital sex: “The best estimates are that about 3% to 4% of currently married people have a sexual partner besides their spouse in a given year and about 15% to 18% of ever-married people have had a sexual partner other than their spouse while married.” https://www.forbes.com/2009/06/28/sanford-ensign-affair-opinions-columnists-extramarital-sex.html
There are few heartaches as severe to any married person who is faithful to their spouse than to learn that their spouse has committed adultery. The victim of the adultery loses their sense of safety and security — two vital aspects of a marriage.
Most people who commit adultery do not confess they have been unfaithful. When caught, they will still lie and explode in self-righteous anger that they would even be accused.
When the evidence is overwhelming against them, they grudgingly admit their infidelity, and then attempt to minimize their unfaithfulness. They continue to lie about the duration of the affair, the number of times they cheated, and the serious nature of their disloyalty.
In addition, they blame their spouse for the transgression, pointing out all their faults and flaws as justification for their infidelity. They push to quickly “move on” and forget the betrayal ever happened as a way to disregard the severity and consequences of their sin.
They rarely display any sincere and deep moments of repentance, empathy for the pain they have caused, or signs of concern for the spouse they have devastated.
Adultery is selfish.
Victims of an unfaithful spouse — here’s your reality check:
YOU ARE 100% NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR SPOUSE BEING UNFAITHFUL AND COMMITTING ADULTERY!
You did not cause this sin. Your spouse is the only one responsible for the adultery.
For those who have committed adultery, you also need a reality check!
YOU ARE 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR BEING UNFAITHFUL AND COMMITTING ADULTERY!
You are totally responsible for your actions. Never suggest that your spouse was to blame.
If you are currently committing adultery against your spouse, confess and repent of your sin to God. Also confess this sin to your spouse, and end that adulterous relationship. Seek counseling to help you get back on the right track. Don’t delay — act today!
You cannot build a good marriage on a lie. Most spouses can forgive adultery if it is freely confessed and repented of before any evidence is found.
Admitting your sin might not be easy, but this act of honesty is the only way to restore sanity to your life. If we confess our sins, HE is faithful to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from unrighteousness because of the sacrifice of Christ Jesus, (1 John 1:8-10). Admit what you have done and make it right.
While this is wise and truthful, it will not be easy. As Mona Shiver shares:
- We all have those moments that some call “suddenlys.” Moments that forever change the path of our lives.That moment for my husband and me happened on a cold January evening in 1993. Gary came home and confessed to a three year adulterous affair. What followed that confession is a blur of pain and confusion that some counselors liken to post traumatic stress syndrome. Dr. Shirley Glass, author of “Not Just Friends,”tells us that according to therapists who treat couples, infidelity is the second most difficult relationship problem, surpassed only by domestic violence. The point is this; adultery is undeniably an overwhelming issue that requires additional resources for the couple attempting to recover. (Mona Shriver, from the book “Unfaithful —Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity)
You must be ready to commit to a marathon of work to reconcile and restore your marriage. It takes about two years for most marriages to recover from an affair.
What can you do to make things better if you have committed adultery?
- Take full responsibility.
- Recognize the need for spiritual renewal and revival, since the fact that you committed adultery is a clear sign your soul is a mess. The act of adultery is only the fruit of an unbelieving and rebellious heart. Seek help to get your inner world straightened out.
- Do not minimize or lie about the details of an affair.
- Focus on the pain of your spouse and not on how hard this is for you. Get separate counseling to help you deal with your struggle, but don’t expect the spouse you cheated on to be an emotional support for you while you are working through this.
- Commit to a year of regular marital counseling.
Do you think your spouse is having an affair?
- Don’t deny the facts or your feelings.
- Don’t confront your spouse until you have thought through what you will do if they admit they are having an affair. Get counseling to prepare you for the confrontation.
What to do once you know your spouse has been unfaithful?
- Be open to staying or leaving to make the best decision based on their attitude, the details of the affair, and the overall hope you have of reconciliation.
- Don’t make a decision to divorce too quickly, but rather give yourself time for careful consideration and prayer. Get personal counseling on this issue.
- A structured separation in which the unfaithful spouse demonstrates the fruit of repentance, remorse, and passion for reconciliation is sometimes helpful.
- If there is no repentance or even a sincere promise that your spouse will not be unfaithful again, you will have little choice but to leave the relationship.
- Seek your own spiritual renewal and revival. Draw near to God in the gospel of grace in Christ Jesus.
Many marriages survive infidelity if there is real repentance and a desire to reconcile. Denying adultery does not solve anything. Hope is found in facing the facts and seeking a revival of faith and faithfulness.
(For more information on how to deal with infidelity in marriage, go to https://www.affairrecovery.com/ )
Good day
my husband is involved in infidelity with a wife of his best friend. When I raise the matter to him , I’m threatened with court protection order.My husband has been going on like this for the past 4 years , but fails to admit that he has a problem in spite of the evidence I have
Dear Nancy,
May the Lord of grace and mercy be with us this day. Amen
I am not sure how your concern about your husband’s infidelity could lead to a court protection order. You could look in a structured separation to confront the situation. See https://thinkpoint.wordpress.com/2012/03/16/should-married-couples-separate/
and
http://www.patrickwardphd.com/2011/01/24/the-structured-separation-agreement/
You may also want to look at this ministry.
https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
I would also recommend these nine prayers. If you have not seen the movie “War Room” I would recommend you watch it or rewatch it.
http://www.jenniferowhite.com/9-prayers-for-your-war-room/
LORd or repentance, bring a deep conviction and humility to Nancy’s husband and allow them to find counsel to help them find restoration for their marriage. Bring YOUR help to her now. Amen
I still have questions, but i always get i don’t know as the answer. It has been 1year and 6 months sknce I found out, but he to this day has only answered some of my questions and doesnt know the answer to others or I dont know is his answer. I do love him, but I do not feel the same Love for him as before. I don’t even want to celebrate our 23rd Anniversary this weekend. I dont want to show my Love anymore. I feel that if he cant answer my questions is because he still has feelings for her and respects her and not me. I was always second in his life. What do I do?
Dear Ida,
May God’s grace give you strength and courage to heal this day. Amen
I am sorry you have suffered being cheated on in your relationship.
There are things under your control and things not under your control. You have asked for a full disclosure but he is not willing to provide that up to this time. Do understand that there are other reasons than he has feelings for her or respects her as far as not telling everything. For instance:
He could think that if he tells you everything you would not be able to forgive or love him.
He could think that you might leave him
He could think you will get into a big fight and nothing will be gained
He could be overcome with shame to tell you
So the first thing would be to challenge your belief that his silence is only because he cares more for her than you.
Have the two of you gone to counseling. If not then do that.
Is it true that you were “always” second in his life? Even when you were dating? Even when you were first married?
Your emotions will be ruled by the story you tell yourself about your life and marriage. Be willing to debate yourself especially when you make absolute statements.
Here is a link that can help you think about how you think about this betrayal of your trust.
http://www.namisantaclara.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/5-Cognitive-Distortions-Unhelpful-Thinking-Styles.pdf
One choice you have is to simply release to God this affair and focus on the fact that he is still with you and you are still with him. Give this to God in prayer and give to him undeserved forgiveness.
Getting some counseling would be good and/or going to a marriage retreat would be helpful. Your decision could be to recommit yourself to thee marriage and making it better. Don’t allow his refusal to tell all become a log that blocks the road to reconciliation. Has he done other things to show he want to invest in your relationship.
Perhaps the two of you could watch “Fireproof” the movie together and begin to work on rebuilding trust together.
May the Lord help you to release this past wound and grant you the ability to work in the present to improve and strengthen your marriage. Ame
Sorry, it has taken so long for a reply. Your decision to stay in the marriage should also be a decision to strive to give it strength. So do all you can to nurture it. See if he would go to a marriage retreat.
Hello. I have been struggling to forgive and trust my husband, and have been suffering from low self-esteem for the past 2 years since my husband decided to cheat on and leave me a week before I gave birth to our 2nd child. In 2016 my husband told me he no longer loved me and shoved his new affection for a woman he met online to my face. I gave birth early and and suffered with depression. I moved to my parents’ house and still went to church and sought encouragement. At first I had faith and hope that God would save my marriage, but then lost it when my husband kept harassing me over our kids and the divorce. I became heartless for a while and stopped praying. It’s like my heart literally turned to stone. I can’t use my husband’s actions as an excuse for my faithlessness, but for a while I did. Though I tried not to blame God because I knew He only allows things to happen but it is our actions that cause these things to occur, there were times where I exploded and i felt like God didn’t love me or that I was useless as a child of God and human being. Eventually my husband’s affair spiraled and he sought a new woman. The second woman became pregnant and by that point I hated the man I once loved. He had not even filed for divorce yet so all that time he was just shamelessly cheating, even calling this new woman the love of his life. He never physically abused me, but the psychological pain I endured was beyond what I ever imagined. Eventually his new mistress gave birth and their affair became violent and he was finally able to see that no woman would ever respect him like me. He begged me to take him back and even with all the pain he caused me I decided to let him back in. Now I still live in pain everytime I remember all the things he did and said to me. I re-live it all. He has a son out of wedlock. That woman will always be in our lives. The fear of him leaving will always be in my mind. I am not the woman I used to be. I need help. I have nobody to talk to. Everyone will just judge me for taking him back. Sorry for such a long post.
I am sad at all you have suffered. It would be good for you to take a weekend retreat to just nurture your soul and seek the Lord’s strength. Stop running from the LORD and draw near to him. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:28-36). Don’t isolate yourself to only your husband but expand out to others people not in the context of giving advice for your marriage but just to be friends and do fun things together. You and you alone must carefully and prayerfully define the LORD’s will for your life and marriage. http://retreatday.com/
It’s been 2 and a half years since I found out. We stayed together however he doesn’t want to seek cougars he thinks counselors need counseling themselves. The downside is all the hurt that I have not dealt with has turned to hate. I just need help!!
Your only hope is in releasing your righteous anger to God for HIM to hold for you. If you hold on to it, then it will become bitterness and mainly hurt you. Your husband does not deserve being released from your righteous anger, but you have to do it for the sake of Christ and for your own sake. Pray for your husband as you would an enemy and seek to overcome evil with good.
http://www.christian-marriage-today.com/christian-marriage/christian-marriage-counseling/surviving-infidelity.html
Read Ephesians 4:31,32
Romans 15:7 and Romans 12:19 to the end of the chapter.
Here is a prayer that may help
https://revivedlife.com/prayer-to-release-anger/
My husband is currently spending a year working overseas in the military. I found out 4 months into his year that he had a girlfriend where he is and had for 2 months. We tried to move past it – put in regular check ins, prayed together, and I am going to counseling on my own. I recently found evidence that he did not end the affair when I found out the first time – it has been 3 months since the original confession.
I do not want a divorce – I want to keep my family whole but I do not know how to repair this relationship from thousands of miles away
Dear Katie,
If you could for even a week go to where he is at or if he could get a leave to come to you that would help. It would be expensive but worth the investment in your relationship.
I would recommend if possible the two of you go to a marriage retreat aimed at couples who have had affairs.
https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-marriage-retreat-interview
I am the one who cheated on my fiancé. As a woman that had no other man before him it was strange that I was led to believe that it wasn’t a serious thing. It is. Don’t let the enemy lie and say that your relationship is not good enough, or that you’re missing out. It’s a lie. And now I’m laying in my car outside of my fiancé’s house after having come clean the day of the incident- yesterday, wondering how everything is going to play out. I deserve any slander I might receive. And I know I’ll probably never be looked at with the same eyes from him ever again. It’s painful. If you’re reading this and have considered cheating; don’t do it. I guarantee that the grass is not greener on the other side when you have a loving partner already giving you their all.
LORD, hep Leah to confess her sin to you and know that because of YOUR sacrifice on the cross she can be forgiven. Allow her fiance to be able to show her mercy. Amen
Watch this
http://www.fallingplates.com/en#!/player
My husband and I have been together 7 years and married almost 6. He suffers with bipolar issues. We’ve separated numerous of times because of his infidelity. I last time I kicked him out I was for sure done with him I wanted nothing else to do with him. On Christmas Eve he said he missed me and wanted to come home my mind was telling me no he hasn’t changed but my heart let him came home. I still suffer from not trusting him and every time he’s in his phone I feel like he’s up to something. We argue about this all the time but he doesn’t admit to anything. He swears he’s not but how can I believe him please help
Dear Victoria,
May the Lord guide you in relating to your husband who has bi-polar illness.
First, set as a standard the two of you getting weekly Christian counseling for the next year.
Second, make sure your husband is seeing a doctor to have proper medication for his disorder. The counseling can help him to keep on his medication.
Third, you have to recognize that your husband has to come to recognize that his illness impacts your relationship and he needs to make the management of his illness the top priority of his life in order to be able to function effectively as a husband.
https://www.everydayhealth.com/bipolar-disorder/ten-tips-for-coping-with-a-bipolar-spouse.aspx
If the two of you as a team will work to create a sane, stable, and spiritual relationship this can be attained. But only by facing the challenge of his bi-polar condition head on. Neither of you must minimize it or you will likely repeat the past patterns.