Dealing with Infidelity
By Dr. Norman Wise
“Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” (Hebrews 13:4)
Tom Smith, the highly respected academic survey researcher, has this to say about extramarital sex: “The best estimates are that about 3% to 4% of currently married people have a sexual partner besides their spouse in a given year and about 15% to 18% of ever-married people have had a sexual partner other than their spouse while married.” https://www.forbes.com/2009/06/28/sanford-ensign-affair-opinions-columnists-extramarital-sex.html
There are few heartaches as severe to any married person who is faithful to their spouse than to learn that their spouse has committed adultery. The victim of the adultery loses their sense of safety and security — two vital aspects of a marriage.
Most people who commit adultery do not confess they have been unfaithful. When caught, they will still lie and explode in self-righteous anger that they would even be accused.
When the evidence is overwhelming against them, they grudgingly admit their infidelity, and then attempt to minimize their unfaithfulness. They continue to lie about the duration of the affair, the number of times they cheated, and the serious nature of their disloyalty.
In addition, they blame their spouse for the transgression, pointing out all their faults and flaws as justification for their infidelity. They push to quickly “move on” and forget the betrayal ever happened as a way to disregard the severity and consequences of their sin.
They rarely display any sincere and deep moments of repentance, empathy for the pain they have caused, or signs of concern for the spouse they have devastated.
Adultery is selfish.
Victims of an unfaithful spouse — here’s your reality check:
YOU ARE 100% NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR SPOUSE BEING UNFAITHFUL AND COMMITTING ADULTERY!
You did not cause this sin. Your spouse is the only one responsible for the adultery.
For those who have committed adultery, you also need a reality check!
YOU ARE 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR BEING UNFAITHFUL AND COMMITTING ADULTERY!
You are totally responsible for your actions. Never suggest that your spouse was to blame.
If you are currently committing adultery against your spouse, confess and repent of your sin to God. Also confess this sin to your spouse, and end that adulterous relationship. Seek counseling to help you get back on the right track. Don’t delay — act today!
You cannot build a good marriage on a lie. Most spouses can forgive adultery if it is freely confessed and repented of before any evidence is found.
Admitting your sin might not be easy, but this act of honesty is the only way to restore sanity to your life. If we confess our sins, HE is faithful to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from unrighteousness because of the sacrifice of Christ Jesus, (1 John 1:8-10). Admit what you have done and make it right.
While this is wise and truthful, it will not be easy. As Mona Shiver shares:
- We all have those moments that some call “suddenlys.” Moments that forever change the path of our lives.That moment for my husband and me happened on a cold January evening in 1993. Gary came home and confessed to a three year adulterous affair. What followed that confession is a blur of pain and confusion that some counselors liken to post traumatic stress syndrome. Dr. Shirley Glass, author of “Not Just Friends,”tells us that according to therapists who treat couples, infidelity is the second most difficult relationship problem, surpassed only by domestic violence. The point is this; adultery is undeniably an overwhelming issue that requires additional resources for the couple attempting to recover. (Mona Shriver, from the book “Unfaithful —Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity)
You must be ready to commit to a marathon of work to reconcile and restore your marriage. It takes about two years for most marriages to recover from an affair.
What can you do to make things better if you have committed adultery?
- Take full responsibility.
- Recognize the need for spiritual renewal and revival, since the fact that you committed adultery is a clear sign your soul is a mess. The act of adultery is only the fruit of an unbelieving and rebellious heart. Seek help to get your inner world straightened out.
- Do not minimize or lie about the details of an affair.
- Focus on the pain of your spouse and not on how hard this is for you. Get separate counseling to help you deal with your struggle, but don’t expect the spouse you cheated on to be an emotional support for you while you are working through this.
- Commit to a year of regular marital counseling.
Do you think your spouse is having an affair?
- Don’t deny the facts or your feelings.
- Don’t confront your spouse until you have thought through what you will do if they admit they are having an affair. Get counseling to prepare you for the confrontation.
What to do once you know your spouse has been unfaithful?
- Be open to staying or leaving to make the best decision based on their attitude, the details of the affair, and the overall hope you have of reconciliation.
- Don’t make a decision to divorce too quickly, but rather give yourself time for careful consideration and prayer. Get personal counseling on this issue.
- A structured separation in which the unfaithful spouse demonstrates the fruit of repentance, remorse, and passion for reconciliation is sometimes helpful.
- If there is no repentance or even a sincere promise that your spouse will not be unfaithful again, you will have little choice but to leave the relationship.
- Seek your own spiritual renewal and revival. Draw near to God in the gospel of grace in Christ Jesus.
Many marriages survive infidelity if there is real repentance and a desire to reconcile. Denying adultery does not solve anything. Hope is found in facing the facts and seeking a revival of faith and faithfulness.
(For more information on how to deal with infidelity in marriage, go to https://www.affairrecovery.com/ )
Good day
my husband is involved in infidelity with a wife of his best friend. When I raise the matter to him , I’m threatened with court protection order.My husband has been going on like this for the past 4 years , but fails to admit that he has a problem in spite of the evidence I have
Dear Nancy,
May the Lord of grace and mercy be with us this day. Amen
I am not sure how your concern about your husband’s infidelity could lead to a court protection order. You could look in a structured separation to confront the situation. See https://thinkpoint.wordpress.com/2012/03/16/should-married-couples-separate/
and
http://www.patrickwardphd.com/2011/01/24/the-structured-separation-agreement/
You may also want to look at this ministry.
https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
I would also recommend these nine prayers. If you have not seen the movie “War Room” I would recommend you watch it or rewatch it.
http://www.jenniferowhite.com/9-prayers-for-your-war-room/
LORd or repentance, bring a deep conviction and humility to Nancy’s husband and allow them to find counsel to help them find restoration for their marriage. Bring YOUR help to her now. Amen
I read this article now
I don’t know what to make of my situation
My husband has been unfaithful in the past I know learn partial truth he has had multiple sexual relations but he blames me he had drug addiction and he says that I have been unfaithful to him but I were never unfaithful he still accuses me of this
Can it be his justifying himself
Dear Natalie,
Yes, it is possible that he simply wants to accuse you to justify himself. It really is not relevant if you have been unfaithful, since his unfaithfulness would still be wrong. This could be a way of diverting the issue from the real issue, which is that he had been unfaithful. I want you to get some counseling for yourself and also see if the two of you could get counseling. You can call Living Water at 954-726-2302 to set up a time to talk to one of our counselors.
This may be an important resource for you to look at Resource for dealing with unfaithfulness .
Basic steps to take
LORD, be with Natalie and help her have wisdom in what she should do with her husband who has been unfaithful and struggled with the abuse of drugs. Allow her to seek YOU in the midst of this struggle. Show her YOUR love in the midst of the crisis in her marriage. Amen
Finding a relationship with God in the middle of crisis
I still have questions, but i always get i don’t know as the answer. It has been 1year and 6 months sknce I found out, but he to this day has only answered some of my questions and doesnt know the answer to others or I dont know is his answer. I do love him, but I do not feel the same Love for him as before. I don’t even want to celebrate our 23rd Anniversary this weekend. I dont want to show my Love anymore. I feel that if he cant answer my questions is because he still has feelings for her and respects her and not me. I was always second in his life. What do I do?
Dear Ida,
May God’s grace give you strength and courage to heal this day. Amen
I am sorry you have suffered being cheated on in your relationship.
There are things under your control and things not under your control. You have asked for a full disclosure but he is not willing to provide that up to this time. Do understand that there are other reasons than he has feelings for her or respects her as far as not telling everything. For instance:
He could think that if he tells you everything you would not be able to forgive or love him.
He could think that you might leave him
He could think you will get into a big fight and nothing will be gained
He could be overcome with shame to tell you
So the first thing would be to challenge your belief that his silence is only because he cares more for her than you.
Have the two of you gone to counseling. If not then do that.
Is it true that you were “always” second in his life? Even when you were dating? Even when you were first married?
Your emotions will be ruled by the story you tell yourself about your life and marriage. Be willing to debate yourself especially when you make absolute statements.
Here is a link that can help you think about how you think about this betrayal of your trust.
http://www.namisantaclara.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/5-Cognitive-Distortions-Unhelpful-Thinking-Styles.pdf
One choice you have is to simply release to God this affair and focus on the fact that he is still with you and you are still with him. Give this to God in prayer and give to him undeserved forgiveness.
Getting some counseling would be good and/or going to a marriage retreat would be helpful. Your decision could be to recommit yourself to thee marriage and making it better. Don’t allow his refusal to tell all become a log that blocks the road to reconciliation. Has he done other things to show he want to invest in your relationship.
Perhaps the two of you could watch “Fireproof” the movie together and begin to work on rebuilding trust together.
May the Lord help you to release this past wound and grant you the ability to work in the present to improve and strengthen your marriage. Ame
Hello. I have been struggling to forgive and trust my husband, and have been suffering from low self-esteem for the past 2 years since my husband decided to cheat on and leave me a week before I gave birth to our 2nd child. In 2016 my husband told me he no longer loved me and shoved his new affection for a woman he met online to my face. I gave birth early and and suffered with depression. I moved to my parents’ house and still went to church and sought encouragement. At first I had faith and hope that God would save my marriage, but then lost it when my husband kept harassing me over our kids and the divorce. I became heartless for a while and stopped praying. It’s like my heart literally turned to stone. I can’t use my husband’s actions as an excuse for my faithlessness, but for a while I did. Though I tried not to blame God because I knew He only allows things to happen but it is our actions that cause these things to occur, there were times where I exploded and i felt like God didn’t love me or that I was useless as a child of God and human being. Eventually my husband’s affair spiraled and he sought a new woman. The second woman became pregnant and by that point I hated the man I once loved. He had not even filed for divorce yet so all that time he was just shamelessly cheating, even calling this new woman the love of his life. He never physically abused me, but the psychological pain I endured was beyond what I ever imagined. Eventually his new mistress gave birth and their affair became violent and he was finally able to see that no woman would ever respect him like me. He begged me to take him back and even with all the pain he caused me I decided to let him back in. Now I still live in pain everytime I remember all the things he did and said to me. I re-live it all. He has a son out of wedlock. That woman will always be in our lives. The fear of him leaving will always be in my mind. I am not the woman I used to be. I need help. I have nobody to talk to. Everyone will just judge me for taking him back. Sorry for such a long post.
Hi,
I feel I’m in a difficult spot trying to decide whether separation would be best for my marriage. My husband has been unfaithful in various ways with other women during the course of our 2 year marriage. The pattern is that they are usually young women, in their late teens or early twenties which I find somewhat disturbing. While we were dating I discovered that he had been unfaithful and have been steadily recovering from that betrayal. Recently, I found out he has been flirting with my teen sister and sending her inappropriate texts. With his continued behavior I feel like I keep on taking hits and it’s a stress on me emotionally, mentally and spiritually. We have a young son and I’m worried about the kind of family environment this might end up creating for him and how it can affect my ability to be the mother that he needs. My heart is to honour God and not to be hasty about making a decision to separate from him. He is not saved and has refused to go for counseling in the past as he also struggles with alcoholism and pornography. He usually shows no remorse for his actions and doesn’t express a commitment to change the hurtful behaviour. I really feel like I might be at the end of my rope and don’t know if this is a just a situation that requires more endurance as a Christian wife and if so, how do I establish healthy emotional boundaries in my marriage, is there even a space for that in a situation like this? Thank you
Lord be with Lee. Help her rest in YOU and find wisdom from you. Help her husband recognize that it is time for the sake of his wife and son at least to return to you. Amen
I am sad to hear about your situation.
It is difficult to say the least.
We are now doing counseling by Zoom and facetime so if your husband and you were open to that we could try that.
Just call 954-726-2302 and tell them I asked to talk to you and that you would like ZOOM or facetime. I could also meet with you that way.
First a healing separation would be a good idea. Here is a link Healing Seperation
Second, there could be a degree of co-dependency in your relationship. Are you in a codependent relationship?
Am I codependent – Click here
I doubt if your husband will leave so do you have somewhere you could go with your son? If your state has legal separation then that may be an option. Because of the unfaithfulness of your husband you do have a right to have a separation and even prayerfully consider a divorce if your husband will not repent and get counseling. Four Views on Divorce
LORD, now help Lee find practical salvation to become a sane, stable, safe, and spiritual home. Amen
Thank you Dr Norman, I just saw your response and I will read through the recommended links and reach out to your office. God bless you.
It’s been 2 and a half years since I found out. We stayed together however he doesn’t want to seek cougars he thinks counselors need counseling themselves. The downside is all the hurt that I have not dealt with has turned to hate. I just need help!!
Your only hope is in releasing your righteous anger to God for HIM to hold for you. If you hold on to it, then it will become bitterness and mainly hurt you. Your husband does not deserve being released from your righteous anger, but you have to do it for the sake of Christ and for your own sake. Pray for your husband as you would an enemy and seek to overcome evil with good.
http://www.christian-marriage-today.com/christian-marriage/christian-marriage-counseling/surviving-infidelity.html
Read Ephesians 4:31,32
Romans 15:7 and Romans 12:19 to the end of the chapter.
Here is a prayer that may help
https://revivedlife.com/prayer-to-release-anger/
Dear Victoria,
May the Lord guide you in relating to your husband who has bi-polar illness.
First, set as a standard the two of you getting weekly Christian counseling for the next year.
Second, make sure your husband is seeing a doctor to have proper medication for his disorder. The counseling can help him to keep on his medication.
Third, you have to recognize that your husband has to come to recognize that his illness impacts your relationship and he needs to make the management of his illness the top priority of his life in order to be able to function effectively as a husband.
https://www.everydayhealth.com/bipolar-disorder/ten-tips-for-coping-with-a-bipolar-spouse.aspx
If the two of you as a team will work to create a sane, stable, and spiritual relationship this can be attained. But only by facing the challenge of his bi-polar condition head on. Neither of you must minimize it or you will likely repeat the past patterns.
LORD, hep Leah to confess her sin to you and know that because of YOUR sacrifice on the cross she can be forgiven. Allow her fiance to be able to show her mercy. Amen
Watch this
http://www.fallingplates.com/en#!/player
Dear Katie,
If you could for even a week go to where he is at or if he could get a leave to come to you that would help. It would be expensive but worth the investment in your relationship.
I would recommend if possible the two of you go to a marriage retreat aimed at couples who have had affairs.
https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-marriage-retreat-interview
Hi I’m in great need of spiritual counseling. I’m not married, but I need counseling. Is there any way I could get some counseling not being married.
Sorry it has taken so long to get back. You can get counseling by calling 954-726-2302 and seeking to make an appointment with one of the counselors. Some of them do counseling by phone or facetime if you are not in the South Florida area.
I am being falsely accused of having an affair. My husband is so desperately trying to construe a story that everything is “evidence” against me. I am not the feeble wife- I’ve been exploding in unrighteous anger – much like the described guilty person but I’m not! We have been to 3 counselors. I am a Christian, my husband is not. He’s emotionally and verbally volatile and I’m not sure how I can continue. I don’t know what to do.
To be falsely accused is difficult but the path of Christ in this situation would be clear. So ask the Holy Spirit to give you help to follow Christ. Read this passage daily.
1 In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over 2 by observing your pure and reverent lives. 3 Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. 4 You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. 5 This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. 6 For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do. … 8 Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. 9 Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it. 10 For the Scriptures say, “If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies. 11 Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it. 12 The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right, and his ears are open to their prayers. But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil.” [1Pe 3:1-6, 8-12 NLT]
9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. … 16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! 17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. 19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the LORD. 20 Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.” 21 Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good. [Rom 12:9-10, 16-21 NLT]
LORD, may YOU bring peace to this home. Allow the husband to see YOU in Melissa and in seeing that in her lose his fear that she has been unfaithful. Help them find a way to reconcile. Calm the seas in this relationship. Amen
I’ve been with my ex for 14 years. We have one child together that just turned 10. We both know of God but never went to church or had a real relationship with God. 5 years ago I had an emotional affair with someone and we split up for 6 months. He didnt give me any say or chance to apologize, he left and I did my own thing and so did he. We decided to get back together because we missed each other so much. After we got back together he admitted to also being unfaithful in the past before our break up and I decided to stay. I asked him to go to church with me and he didnt want to and I felt that because he didnt want to, I didnt want to go either. My thought then was, If he didnt care why should I? Is he even sorry for being unfaithful? If he was why doesnt he want to face God? Well this went on for years and then again i found myself attacked by the enemy when i was weak. Not knowing how to handle this I stepped out of the relationship again and this time I told him I didnt want to be with him, because i was so lost i needed to work on myself with God. After the breakup I didnt go out and drink or do drugs to heal instead I gave myself to Christ, completely surrendered my life to Him. I have been sober for almost 6 months. During prayer one day I felt the need to reach out to my ex. We started talking again slowly but this time he says, he feels i’m too good for him. That i’m so different to what i was before that maybe God is preparing me for someone else. I have it in my heart that God is trying to use me and work through me to save my ex and our relationship. I’m praying for him and I daily, while working on my relationship with God. My ex says he’s scared to give us a try again, because he never wants to go through the past again. I’ve let him know this time its different, but he says only time will tell. What do I do? I dont want to push him further away. We have a child together so its hard not to communicate with him.
Be patient and wait. Give him time to adjust. Be sane, stable, and spiritual and encourage him to do the same. Allow time to heal.
LORD, let this couple be able to find your path back to reconciliation and hope. Amen
4 years ago my fiance’ at the time cheated on me and left. After 2 weeks she came back shortly after we got married. After a few months she left me again and only came back after I was about to take our son. Well after awhile I forgave and God renewed my love and trust for her. Well a few weeks ago I found out she was dating another man for 2 weeks. She liked about them dating and got caught. I came back home after a week and lost my entire family for it. After 2 days I asked for her phone trying to renew trust only to find out she was messaging him. They were talking about having children together how they wanted to be sexual with each other and how it felt when they kissed. They have said nothing happened between them, but I can’t believe either one at this point. She says she’s sorry, but only answers she was being stupid for wanting to be with him. Now, I’m struggling with weather to get a divorce and my heart isn’t in this marriage anymore. I personally want to be with someone else now, but I hate divorce almost as much as God does. Could use some guidance.
Dear Joshua, first you and your wife need to go to counseling. You may also need to consider going to an EMS retreat to really restart your marriage on a firm foundation and deal with the affair in depth.
Affair Recovery
I would also recommend you read the following book.
Divorce and Remarriage: Four Christian Views (Spectrum Multiview Book)
by H. Wayne House , J. Carl Laney, et al. | Apr 20, 1990
I am sad over the pain you have suffered. I appreciate your dedication to your marriage. Your wife needs to seek to find out why she struggles so much with being faithful. Only at a point where she can really deal with what leads her to being unfaithful can she be in a stable marriage.
LORD, be with Joshua and help him to find YOU in the midst of all these struggles. Help him draw near to YOU and find the wisdom needed to get through this betrayal. Lord, help his wife deeply and truly repent, dedicating herself to YOU and to being faithful as a spouse. Amen
I want to move past my infidelity with my husband. I was in the wrong, I told him as much as I can, but I feel any details are just cruel. He says he forgives me and wants to leave the past in the past, but at the same time I almost feel I’m hiding from him. I’ve stopped any communication with who I cheated with and I’m confident it will not happen again. I’ve confessed my sin in detail to God but just don’t feel I can be forgiven. I want to move past this and be a good wife.
LORD be with Tiffany now this day and allow her to know that YOUR promise is to forgive us based on YOUR sacrifice and resurrection from the dead. That if she confesses her sins YOU are faithful and just forgive Tiffany her sins and cleanse her of all unrighteousness. Amen
If your husband has no desire to know the details then there is no need to share them but you must release them to the LORD so that you don’t tell them to yourself over and over in a pattern of self condemnation. You need to plan each day for the rest of your life to find new and creative ways to show the LOVE of God to your husband and in time he will come by God’s grace to trust you again. More important than the past is to begin as a couple to develop an effective marriage today. You can watch my seminar online at https://livingwaterchristiancounseling.org/learning-how-to-have-an-effective-marriage/ The sacrifice of Jesus is enought for your forgiveness. We can never earn or deserve forgiveness but it can be given as a gift. Here is a good video on understanding this: Click here to understand God’s power to fogive May the Lord give you his hope and peace as you work to restore your marriage.
Hello,
I have been married for 20 years now, currently pregnant with my 3rd child. Just found out my husband was cheating on me again. This is not the first time that he has cheated. The longest period of our marriage that I know my husband was faithful to was for 9 years at this time he was serving God and attending bible college. My husbands started to cheat on me again when he fell away from God. He doesn’t have long term affairs, but he won’t ever give me details. I know of 4 women for sure, but there could be more. He has never told me about any of these affairs. I have to find out on my own or because the women tell me. He says he doesn’t know why does it, that he doesn’t want me to leave him, he loves me and is going to change. He wants to grow old with me. That the other women don’t mean anything ots just sex. I just don’t know what to do I pray everyday. This has been going on for about 3years now. Please help I don’t know what to do.
Lord be with this woman who is hurt and confused. Help her rest in YOU and find wisdom from you. Help her husband recognize that it is time for the sake of his wife and children at least to return to you. Amen
I am sad to hear about your situation.
It is difficult to say the least.
We are now doing counseling by Zoom and facetime so if your husband and you were open to that we could try that. Just call 954-726-2302 and tell them I asked to talk to you and that you would like ZOOM or facetime. I could also meet with you that way.
First of course you need to pray for your husband spiritual revival since this sexual “addiction” seems to be tied to his loss of faith. That is a core issue it would appear. w
Second, see if he would be willing to go through the infidelity bootcamp with you. It is free and could teach you both many things about how to handle this serial adultery pattern. Infidelity Bootcamp
Third, It would appear that your husband suffers from what has been called “Sexual Addiction” and could be treated for that condition if he really wanted to end this cycle of betrayal and devastated feelings. Information on Sexual Addiction
Fourth, there could be a degree of co-dependency in your relationship. Am I in a codependent relationship?
LORD, now help this family find practical salvation to become a sane, stable, safe, and spiritual home. Amen
I read the article and so much enjoy the points highlighted. We all need the strength of God to keep us through hard times. We need to own up to or mistakes and take full responsibility… As the lord forgives his people so also can and will your spouse render the same forgiven spirit.
I am glad that it was of hope.